Some thoughts on weight.

-I have had a battle with my weight my whole life. I was always a chubby kid and growing up I never really had a healthy understanding of food and nutrition. Until recently I don't think I ever saw food as nourishment for my body, but for my emotions.

-I grew up with a morbidly obese mother. My stepfather is also obese, as was my late mother in-law. My mother in-law died as a result of complications from her obesity. I have a fear of becoming morbidly obese. My healthy eating role models are lacking. Everything I've learned about healthy eating I taught myself.

-In 2007 I successfully got to and maintained my lowest weight. I had a healthy BMI for the first time ever. I did it with the help of Weight Watchers, and actually went on to work for them, and exercise. But I still didn't make the mind shift about why we eat. By November 2007 I was pregnant and while I lost most of the weight, I never really had the focus I had back then.

-Flash forward to today. Two kids, an extra 10 pounds and a recent diagnosis with a wealth of food allergies. You can read all about that here.

-Food allergies have definitely helped me see food as nourishment as has my own self improvement (that sounds trite) which has helped me face my demons head on. I also have to say that like all other things Honey is my constant supporter.

-The food allergies have really been a wake up call to get my health and my weight in check. Since Kitten was born I've been making one half hearted attempt at weight loss after another. To no avail, the weight stays. What I needed was a radical change.

-And then it hit me, my aha moment. I am addicted to my scale. I've known for some time but never acknowledged it. Until now. I stumbled upon the blog Oh She Glows through Pinterest and read about Angela's journey to becoming a vegan after struggling with disorder eating. She also shared that she doesn't weight herself. I too had a history of disordered eating. After grad school living alone on Cape Cod, unknowingly suffering some depression I binged. And binged. Being that I'm a person who hates to vomit I never purged, I just got fatter. Realizing my depression allowed me to move and join Weight Watchers and recognize my binge behavior but to this day I have to watch those habits so they don't creep up. Except they did and I didn't realize it. I was binging on the scale. I was weighing myself daily, sometimes twice a day. I used the scale as the gauge for what I would wear, what I would eat, how I would feel. If the number was low i would rejoice and eat a cookie. If the number was high I would fret, eat a salad for lunch, and hit the gym. And yet, there were never any major results, just more dissatisfaction with my weight. Are you seeing how vicious a cycle this was?

-After a talk with Honey I decided to give up the scale. The goal is to go a month without weighing myself although I can step on in two weeks if I need to. I'll be honest, I'm three days in and it has been really hard. Really hard. I need a fix bad. But I keep telling myself to stay the course. Instead of focusing on the number on the scale I'm trying to focus on eating healthy and exercising. I'm hoping to see results not only in a number but also in how I feel, and in my clothes. I need to get to a place where the number on the scale doesn't define me. I'm not there yet, but I'm trying.

My point in sharing this is to be honest with myself and to face my fears. Nothing great ever happens when you stand behind your fear. Makes me think of the Garth Brooks song Standing Outside the Fire, a favorite from my college days. I know there is someone out there with the same struggle as me. I hope this helps you too.

UPDATE: I had a slip. In full confession I will say that I didn't make it a full two weeks. I did make it a full week, but caved on Easter and stepped on the scale. I'm glad I did and I'm happy to report that it hasn't made me want to step back on. Weel, maybe a little. But I haven't.