Breast is not always best..

This post is most likely going to infuriate a lot of people, but it will hopefully help a lot of people also. And so I go forward.

This week there was a very sad news story about a family in the Mid-West whose infant son died of a rare bacterial infection. (I could link the article, but that's not really the point of the post.) The family suspected that the bacteria was in contaminated formula. Erring on the side of caution, Wal-Mart pulled the formula from the shelves. However, the company that makes the formula tested the suspected batch and determined that it was not contaminated. But that happened only after the firestorm of public opinion about breastfeeding vs. formula was set loose.

A friend of mine linked the article of this tragedy to her Facebook page with the caption "Breast is best!" For whatever reason it lit something in me akin to rage. I hesitated, but then responded saying that for some babies and mothers breastfeeding isn't always possible and that the health of the whole family is what's best. Well, there were responses and they were all tactful but my point was still missed. The people who responded basically said something along the lines of "if only you were properly educated on breastfeeding".

Let me be clear. I am not a formula feeding advocate, I'm not a breast feeding advocate. I am a positive mothering experience advocate. Period. And for some woman (myself included) breastfeeding is not a positive experience. For me, it was easily the most traumatic thing I've experienced in my adult life.

My oldest daughter was born with a Torticolis and a nerve defect in her lip that until recently was thought to be Crying Facies Syndrome. The torticolis was diagnosed at two month old, after we had stopped trying to breastfeed. I was told by a neurologist when she was six months old that her nerve defect would have made it nearly impossible for her to have an effective latch. Yet I still tried everything I could for as long as I could with the help of my doctor (who is a family practitioner and treats all of us), lactation consultants, books, videos, and support from friends. The process of trying to get her to feed took up to two hours. Every time. 24 hours a day. We would try to get her to latch and she would scream in pain, and I would cry, and Honey would offer support for up to fifteen minutes. Lovey would latch for a minute or two until she would come off with a look that can only be described as agony. Then Honey would get a finger feeding syringe and continue the feeding while I pumped. And cried. This went on for ten excruciatingly long days. And in another part of my life, my mother in-law was dying. But still I tried.

The advice I got from people was mostly supportive, although no one ever told me that this just might not be possible for us, even though I asked the question to everyone I could praying that someone would tell me it was okay if it didn't work out. Some well-meaning people said some incredibly hurtful things. One person told me that I should try harder because women have done this for millions of years and I could too. Another older woman (who in her generation was told that breastfeeding was BAD for babies) said that nighttime feedings were her happiest memories as a mother and I should try to enjoy it more. Finally my doctor gave me the advice that changed my life and said what I needed to hear most: "When any of the three of you feel like you have had enough, that's when it's time to stop trying. The health of your family is what is most important." And so I waved my white flag and stopped trying to get Lovey to latch. I did continue pumping for 14 weeks because society has made women feel like failures for not giving their children breast milk. The breast is best message is EVERYWHERE. It's even on the label for the formula.

When my second daughter was born I told myself I would try again because after all "Breast is best". She was a great latcher even though she had a bit of trouble. The problem was me. Trying to breastfeed her had a same reaction I can only imagine a war veteran has when they hear a car back fire. I panicked about every little thing that was going on. Was she latched correctly, was she getting enough, was I doing it right? And I should add, every time I breast fed her Lovey would have a world's biggest tantrum. She would fall to the floor and scream the whole feeding. Sure does help with the let down! This time, Honey had to return to work and so I was alone in my journey. Therfore, once more, I made a decision that what was best for the health of my family was formula.

In my response to that Facebook post I said that I don't regret the choices I made for my family. I don't. What I do regret is that I was swayed by popular opinion to do what I was supposedly supposed to do and not listen to what my body, my brain, and my heart were telling me to do. I made a vow after my experience with Lovey to myself and to other women to be honest about breastfeeding. There is simply not enough education about it out there. Think about it. Who in the medical world is going to tell you the ugly truth? Your obstetrician is going to ask but not educate. You are in the process of picking out a pediatrician, are you really thinking of sitting down with this person and asking tough questions about your breast and mental health as they pertain to your unborn child? Probably not. As so, the responsibility falls to us as women to educate other women in an honest and open way about all of it. Not just the "it was an incredible bonding experience" and "it's the most wonderful feeling" and "I lost all my baby weight". The sore, bloody nipples. The sleepless nights. The marathon feeding sessions. The stress and trauma of trying to feed your baby in the early weeks. It's not for everyone. I applaud those of you who push through and respect your decision. But please in turn respect mine. The women I know who didn't breastfeed talk about it in secret because the women who did and are advocates for it are so vocal. Which is ok; be vocal about an experience that was positive for you, but allow those for whom it wasn't positive to be vocal too. That way we as women can help effectively educate future mothers about every detail that is involved with feeding your infant. That, I'm sure we can all agree, is what's best.

Middle age.

Yup, I am officially middle aged. Well, not really, but if you want to be technical, I'm 1/2 way to being old. Honey and I decided 70 was old, so if I just turned 35 then I'm 1/2 way to old. Hence, middle aged. For some reason turning 35 was tough for me. I was happy to turn 30, it seemed to hold so much promise. But, 35? Seems to hold so much dread.

To combat these feelings I've decided that I would set some goals for myself this year. If I put them out into the world I have a better chance of accomplishing them so here goes:

-get a labyrinth tattoo
-lose the pregnancy weight
-enjoy being physically active again
-run a race (5K, 10K, half marathon, Tough Mudder?)
-let my little light shine as bright as it can for all to see

The last one sort of covers all the others. Well, maybe not the tattoo one. I need to live up to my potential, and I don't always feel like I do. It's time to change that.

Dear Me:

I saw a link via Dooce to a book about actors writing letters to their 16 year old selves and was immediately hooked in. It was beautiful and sad. Jim Belushi telling his 16 year old self that he didn't have to seek negative attention? Blew me away.

It was also inspiring. What would I say to my 16 year old self?
So.
many.
things.

I could probably sum it up in two words. Resilience and perseverance.
But here's the rest of what I would say:

Dear Cora,

You are stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for. You have seen more pain in your short time than most people see in their whole lives. Keep moving forward. The gifts that will be awarded you for doing so will be beautiful.

The friends you have now that you think are important to you, will just be faces on Facebook in fifteen years. (don't worry, facebook hasn't been invented yet, but it's cool) The friends that you would lay down and die for, those are the ones that you will meet in college and after. They will introduce you to your husband and you to theirs. And it's not who you think it is. You never even talk to him after high school.

About relationships. You will have some doozies. Losers, jerks, and assholes as the saying goes. You will even date a guy who doesn't own pants. Seriously. But be patient. When you least expect it, a wonderful man will come back into your life and it will be obvious to you that he is the father of your children. And that will freak your freak, but don't let it. And sex? I know you're all nervous about it now but you shouldn't be. You will wait a long time to lose your virginity, which quite frankly was a bit too long (it should've been Ed), but it seemed important to you to wait so go with your gut. As cheesey as it sounds, sex with someone you love is incredible. Anything less is like bad chocolate-it seemed like a good idea at the time.

You will grow up to have two beautiful girls. They won't come easily to you, which means you should appreciate them even more. They will forever change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine. And you will learn to embrace the color pink.

One last thing: right now you feel like tragedy defines you. It doesn't. It has helped make you the person you have become. And you are a pretty amazing person.

Love, Cora

Must have.

I am a lover of Anthropologie and often stalk items until they go on sale. I am so in love with this new beauty that I might even pay full price for it. And I still need I diaper bag. But I think this could be a good diaper bag substitute. What do you think? Yellow or green?

What's on the book shelf?

What I'm reading now:
Song without Words by Ann Packer

What I just read:
Moloka'i by Richard Bennett

What's on deck:
Room (I was supposed to be reading it for book club but finished Moloka'i instead. Not sure if I'm going to read it, not really my kind of subject matter)

What I started reading only to realize I had already read before:
The Whole World Over by Julia Glass

Product Rave!

I am typically an all-natural cleaning products kinda girl. I use vinegar and baking soda as often as possible. We use biodegradable laundry detergent. I bring my own bags EVERYWHERE. We have more stuff in our recycling bin than we do in our garbage.

That being said, I LOVE this product. Murphy Oil Soap wipes. I just cleaned my cabinets with these and it was so easy. Took ten minutes. Which means a lot because I have white cabinets. with grooves. (I hate them)

Wow!

Time flies when you're having fun? Maybe? It's been almost a year. A while back I said I make no excuses, and I don't. But since the last post I've: had bronchitis, and pneumonia, and three sinus infections (all while pregnant), had a baby an hour after arriving at the hospital (no drugs, baby!), discovered Lovey needed glasses, had a summer vacation with the fam, took a leave from work, and have been working pretty hard to raise my beautiful family.

So....life once again has been a chaotic distraction. I guess I was onto something when I named this blog. But, I told many people that one of the reasons I took this year off was so I could decide what I wanted to do when I grew up. And one of the things I've always know I wanted to do when I grew up was write. So here I am. Take it for what you will.