Breast is not always best..

This post is most likely going to infuriate a lot of people, but it will hopefully help a lot of people also. And so I go forward.

This week there was a very sad news story about a family in the Mid-West whose infant son died of a rare bacterial infection. (I could link the article, but that's not really the point of the post.) The family suspected that the bacteria was in contaminated formula. Erring on the side of caution, Wal-Mart pulled the formula from the shelves. However, the company that makes the formula tested the suspected batch and determined that it was not contaminated. But that happened only after the firestorm of public opinion about breastfeeding vs. formula was set loose.

A friend of mine linked the article of this tragedy to her Facebook page with the caption "Breast is best!" For whatever reason it lit something in me akin to rage. I hesitated, but then responded saying that for some babies and mothers breastfeeding isn't always possible and that the health of the whole family is what's best. Well, there were responses and they were all tactful but my point was still missed. The people who responded basically said something along the lines of "if only you were properly educated on breastfeeding".

Let me be clear. I am not a formula feeding advocate, I'm not a breast feeding advocate. I am a positive mothering experience advocate. Period. And for some woman (myself included) breastfeeding is not a positive experience. For me, it was easily the most traumatic thing I've experienced in my adult life.

My oldest daughter was born with a Torticolis and a nerve defect in her lip that until recently was thought to be Crying Facies Syndrome. The torticolis was diagnosed at two month old, after we had stopped trying to breastfeed. I was told by a neurologist when she was six months old that her nerve defect would have made it nearly impossible for her to have an effective latch. Yet I still tried everything I could for as long as I could with the help of my doctor (who is a family practitioner and treats all of us), lactation consultants, books, videos, and support from friends. The process of trying to get her to feed took up to two hours. Every time. 24 hours a day. We would try to get her to latch and she would scream in pain, and I would cry, and Honey would offer support for up to fifteen minutes. Lovey would latch for a minute or two until she would come off with a look that can only be described as agony. Then Honey would get a finger feeding syringe and continue the feeding while I pumped. And cried. This went on for ten excruciatingly long days. And in another part of my life, my mother in-law was dying. But still I tried.

The advice I got from people was mostly supportive, although no one ever told me that this just might not be possible for us, even though I asked the question to everyone I could praying that someone would tell me it was okay if it didn't work out. Some well-meaning people said some incredibly hurtful things. One person told me that I should try harder because women have done this for millions of years and I could too. Another older woman (who in her generation was told that breastfeeding was BAD for babies) said that nighttime feedings were her happiest memories as a mother and I should try to enjoy it more. Finally my doctor gave me the advice that changed my life and said what I needed to hear most: "When any of the three of you feel like you have had enough, that's when it's time to stop trying. The health of your family is what is most important." And so I waved my white flag and stopped trying to get Lovey to latch. I did continue pumping for 14 weeks because society has made women feel like failures for not giving their children breast milk. The breast is best message is EVERYWHERE. It's even on the label for the formula.

When my second daughter was born I told myself I would try again because after all "Breast is best". She was a great latcher even though she had a bit of trouble. The problem was me. Trying to breastfeed her had a same reaction I can only imagine a war veteran has when they hear a car back fire. I panicked about every little thing that was going on. Was she latched correctly, was she getting enough, was I doing it right? And I should add, every time I breast fed her Lovey would have a world's biggest tantrum. She would fall to the floor and scream the whole feeding. Sure does help with the let down! This time, Honey had to return to work and so I was alone in my journey. Therfore, once more, I made a decision that what was best for the health of my family was formula.

In my response to that Facebook post I said that I don't regret the choices I made for my family. I don't. What I do regret is that I was swayed by popular opinion to do what I was supposedly supposed to do and not listen to what my body, my brain, and my heart were telling me to do. I made a vow after my experience with Lovey to myself and to other women to be honest about breastfeeding. There is simply not enough education about it out there. Think about it. Who in the medical world is going to tell you the ugly truth? Your obstetrician is going to ask but not educate. You are in the process of picking out a pediatrician, are you really thinking of sitting down with this person and asking tough questions about your breast and mental health as they pertain to your unborn child? Probably not. As so, the responsibility falls to us as women to educate other women in an honest and open way about all of it. Not just the "it was an incredible bonding experience" and "it's the most wonderful feeling" and "I lost all my baby weight". The sore, bloody nipples. The sleepless nights. The marathon feeding sessions. The stress and trauma of trying to feed your baby in the early weeks. It's not for everyone. I applaud those of you who push through and respect your decision. But please in turn respect mine. The women I know who didn't breastfeed talk about it in secret because the women who did and are advocates for it are so vocal. Which is ok; be vocal about an experience that was positive for you, but allow those for whom it wasn't positive to be vocal too. That way we as women can help effectively educate future mothers about every detail that is involved with feeding your infant. That, I'm sure we can all agree, is what's best.